I molested 6 butterflies tonight
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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