I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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