Got a toothbrush?
2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
