Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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