Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
