im about as happy as oj after his trial
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize