i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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