Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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