i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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