watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
