just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
are you so shy because you have an std?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
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