Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Randomize