ya dads aren't the best wingmen
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
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