I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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