According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
