Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize