is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
It's never too late to be topless.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
