im six kinds of drunk right now
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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