the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Randomize
