I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
