and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
