I wish I could teleport
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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