i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
