life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
