atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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