I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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