Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Randomize
