This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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