i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize