just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
