Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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