just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Randomize
