3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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