3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
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