My underwear smells like fireworks.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Randomize
