this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
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