the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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