hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize