She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
