An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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