Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
