Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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