I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
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