Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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