I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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