3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
