omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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