Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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