I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
