We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
