new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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