WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
