sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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