It's Friday. Sex?
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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