my mouth tastes like poor choices
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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