my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Randomize
