dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
