I think my fart just growled at me.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Randomize
