if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
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