I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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