i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
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