Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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