i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Even my vagina gasped.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
