He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize